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So there I was in late 2006, having come from a size 0 to where now a size 18 wouldn’t even fit, I have fired all of my doctors because I have had it with them, for this is where they led me to, and I felt near death.  And that’s not an exaggeration.  I felt near death.

Some days, I would take a breath and say thanks to God.  Then take another painful breath and say thanks again.  And that was my great accomplishment for the day.  Breathing and being grateful for each one I was able to take, even in the midst of suffering.  You can say, oh wow, that’s pretty awesome to be able to do that.  Actually, it was a survival mechanism.  I felt I could either choose to be grateful and lean on God, OR, I could give in to the massive depression and just spiral downward, possibly never to return.  As hard as it all was, I just could not let this set of circumstances become my permanent story.  I could not finish this side of eternity and be okay with giving up and settling for this place.  I just couldn’t.

On the days breathing wasn’t such a chore, and I could at least sit up in a recliner, I would pull out my laptop and just started researching my symptoms and all I could find about weight loss.  I was in a unique situation where I had a weight issue that wasn’t caused by wrong portion control, lack of proper exercise, or years of wrongful eating.  In addition, I felt ashamed to have all that weight on.  That shame was the least of my current problems, but it was there.  I just felt like I wasn’t me anymore, that I was in a disguise, and completely unable to be who I really was.  It surprised me to realize how physically expressive I was as a person, and not being able to do things, like dance, was just heartbreaking.  Not to mention that I had difficulty doing much simpler things and was house-bound for the most part.

So I started at the beginning.  I changed my diet.  I got better nutrition.  I tried all different types of portion sizes.  I counted calories.  I tried the “Atkins diet” where it is no carbs and high fat.  I tried low fat.  I tried no fat.  I tried being a vegetarian.  I tried juicing.  I tried eating styles of different kinds from all over the world.  I tried eating a very limited diet.  I tried eating a varied diet.  I tried the “Rice diet.”  I switched to all organic foods.  I eliminated all processed foods.  I eliminated all sugar and all artificial sugar substitutes.  I eliminated all kinds of sodas, both regular and diet.

I tried exercising out the WAZOO.  I tried multiple kinds of exercise. I tried walking.  I tried jogging/running.  I tried weights.  I tried joining different gyms.  I tried home gyms.  I tried traditional calisthenics.  I tried yoga.  I tried Pilates.  I tried what little dance I could do.  I tried “Zumba.”  I tried swimming.  I tried water aerobics.  I tried breathing exercises.  I tried workout DVD’s of all kinds.  I tried every exercise/weight loss infomercial I could find.  Whatever I could find, I tried.

I even did extreme types of fasting, detoxing, and cleanses.  I did colon cleanses.  I did candida cleanses.  I did the “Master Cleanse.”  I tried juice fasting.  I tried the “Daniel fast.”  I did several kinds of detoxing shakes.  I checked and fixed my body’s pH level and brought it out of a very acidic state.  I even did pure water fasting for several weeks in a row.  (Yes, really.  I have witnesses.)

I tried all the special diet teas, like “Wu-long.”  Tried all the diet pills.  Tried all the diet herbs.  Even some kind of diet weight loss patch.  I restored my adrenals and thyroid.  I tried healing my hormones.  I tried increasing my metabolism.  I tried dealing with cortisol issues.  I started on flower remedies.  I dd counseling.  I went through programs to heal my emotions.  I did forgiveness and healing of past issues.  I gave a ton of stuff away.  I let go of everything I could think of, went down every known avenue possible.  I was healing myself in every way I could think of:  physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

You want to know where all this got me?  NOWHERE.  Here I was, thinking that I could discipline myself out of this, that if I was just persistent enough, strict enough, dedicated enough, that, although it might take some serious discipline and time, that I could just “buck up” and slowly, but albeit SURELY, get this weight down.

While that works in some situations, as you can see if you watch shows like the “Biggest Loser,” I honestly learned the hard way that it was possible to, not only be in a situation where the weight problem was not caused by you, but also that it was entirely possible that you could have a weight problem that could NOT be corrected through diet, exercise, detoxing, fixing the hormones, body pH, and mere dedication and discipline alone.

Let me say this:  Most cases of overweight issues ARE caused by bad diet, poor exercise, high rate of toxicity, hormones and body pH that are off, and can be fixed by adjusting these things.  But that was not to be my story.

At this point, I was devastated.  Again, I was faced with the choice to accept my fate and to give up.  You have no idea how many people told me at this point how I didn’t look bad, that I didn’t need to lose weight, that this was just a part of getting older, that I should stop fighting and accept it, and that it really wasn’t that bad of a situation, and even saying how great I did look, and that I should be happy with this current reality.  Now, I know a lot of them meant good.  I know a lot of those who said that honestly cared about me.  I also know that there was no worse thing they could have said to me.

Even though they meant well, all they were saying to me was to compromise.  And if you know me, there is no worse thing than unrighteous compromise.  I felt near death.  That was NOT okay.  I could not accept this new reality as permanent.  I could not say that person in the mirror was me.  I was literally a prisoner in my body.  A slave to whatever it was that had happened.  There was NO WAY I was going to stay a prisoner or a slave.  I absolutely was resolved that I was not coming into agreement and making peace with these circumstances.  This is when I changed from being sad about what had happened to being angry.  Today, I thank these people who suggested compromise, cause it fired a new passion within me that I would never settle for this being my reality for the rest of my days.

So what do you do when the mainsteam paths do not work?  What do you do when counting calories fails?  Conventional wisdom said that if I did these things, if I worked hard enough, was disciplined enough, that the weight would come off.  Um, it didn’t.  ……….  awkward pause  ……….  Where to now?  ……….  ??!!??!!??

All I knew at the time was that something strange was going on.  There was apparently a lot I did not know.  This was a deep mystery, and I needed to find out what it was all about.  The only thing I DID know was that I absolutely, positively, was NOT going to compromise OR give up.  ❤

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